New Girl in OPS
by RgjIrishdancr
Summary: This story is set shortly after Nell started working at OSP; after the conversation with Eric about finishing his sentences and after he broke the internet but before the flower incident. Its an exploration that came out of Nell's statement about being a Type A with borderline ADD. If her thoughts seem kind of confusing, that's the way someone with ADD's brain works.
1. Chapter 1

_"You're an idiot, Nell Jones. A complete and utter idiot."_

_"Shut up."_

_"You'll never do anything but make a fool of yourself around Eric...but why do you even care? He isn't special to you or anything, is he?"_

_"Shut UP!"_

_"Oooh, getting sensitive, are we?"_

"Nell."

_"SHUT UP!"_

_"I'm right, and you know it."_

"Nell?"

_"I'm not listening to you ANY longer."_

_"Says who? Who's in charge here now, huh?"_

_"Seriously. Leave me ALONE!"_

"Hello, earth to Nell."

_"Aww, there's your boyfriend wanting to talk to you. Like he likes you anyways. You've done nothing but act weird around him. Tell him that girls punch boys they like, and then punch him in the arm later that day. Finish his sentences, spill your guts to him... 'It comes from being a Type A with...'"_

_"SHUT UP, darn you!"_

_"Breaking out the four-letter words now, eh? Bet Eric's never heard you swear, has he?"_

No, Eric had never seen her pacing up and down halls, screaming every curse word she knew at the top of her lungs out of sheer frustration and anger. He had never seen her beating the stuffing out of a punching bag, or running as fast as she could just to hear the thunk of her sneakers on the pavement. Eric had never seen her collapsed in bed, breathing in gasps, her body shaking with tearless sobs. Eric had never seen her lose it. _And I'm not going to start today._

"Nell?"

"ERIC!"

Eric jumped. Nell hadn't realized she was yelling.

"Are you okay?"

Nell kicked her foot at the air even harder, trying to force down the

feeling that she was fixing to jump out of her skin. The panic-like

frustration just rose higher in her chest.

"Fine," she managed to bite out.

"If you say so. Hey, are you done with that trace yet?"

"Not quite."

_"Yeah, right, you've barely started, you dimwit slowpoke. You're a terrible liar."_

Nell felt like banging her head against a wall. Unfortunately, there were no walls handy; _besides, Eric would notice_.

_"Since when do you care what Eric thinks of you, stupid?"_

_"AHHHHH!"_

Nell swung her foot harder. It really wasn't helping. Neither were trying to take deep, slow breaths, or swiveling her chair back and forth. And Eric was cocking an eyebrow at her now. Her heart was pounding in her chest, and she felt like her body was about to explode. _I can't even put a coherent thought together_. Nell's brain was a mess of conflicting ideas backgrounded by several songs she had heard on the radio which were trying to drown out the buzzing of the Ops lights and Eric's breathing and Sam's heavy footsteps downstairs. Just trying to reign it in was pushing her stressed and weary body to the limit. Sobs started welling in her throat. _Why oh why do I always have to start crying? I will not cry in front of Eric. I will not cry in front of Eric IwillnotcryinfrontofEric..._

"Nell, are you sure you're alright?"

"Fine. I'll be...back inaminute."

Nell jumped out of her chair and ran through the door of Ops. As she pounded down the stairs, Sam asked, "Are you okay, Nell?"

"Fine," she barely managed to say.

"That doesn't look too fine to me," Deeks hissed to Sam.

"I heard that!" Nell yelled. She looked around for some semblance of privacy before ducking into the ladies restroom. She didn't bother to turn on the light but collapsed against a wall in the darkness and buried her face in her arms.

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	2. Chapter 2

Yo, G., can you come up here for a minute?" Eric stuck his head out of Ops. A jerk of his neck indicated he really wanted the whole team.

Sam, Callen, Deeks, and Kensi bounded up the stairs and into Ops. "Any of you seen Nell?"

"She came tearing through there a minute ago," Callen replied.

"Said she was fine, but didn't look like it at all."

"Hey," Deeks put in, "did you see the LAPD blotter this morning? It said they…"

Unnoticed by the rest of the team, Kensi ducked out of Ops and slipped quietly down the stairs.

Nell hazily heard Kensi coming five or so steps before she pushed the door open. As the agent's eyes adjusted to the dim room, lit only by emergency lights, she saw Nell's crumpled, shaking form, and quietly slid to the floor next to her. Kensi wrapped her arm around Nell's slender shoulders and gently pulled the younger woman toward her with sister-like care. Nell let her head fall onto Kensi's shoulder and weakly curled up against her. Kensi gently rubbed Nell's back. It was pretty calming, Nell noticed, _like maybe she's had someone do this for her before_.

When Nell blinked her eyes open, she had no idea how long she'd spent on the bathroom floor, slumped against Kensi. She raised her head, her muscles feeling loser than they had all day.

"Feeling better?" Kensi asked.

"Yeah, getting there."

Kensi inspected Nell's face for a minute. "Waterproof mascara; smart girl." She grinned wryly. "You sure you're okay now?"

Nell nodded slowly. "Just too little sleep and too much stress, I guess."

_"Liar". _

_"I am not ready to have that conversation with Eric…or anyone else. I can handle this._

_"Yeah, like you're handling it now? Look at you, weakling."_

"Well, and those three stupid letters."

Kensi looked blank for a minute before it clicked. "I'm sorry. You need anything?"

Nell gritted her teeth and took the damp paper towel Kensi was offering her. She blotted at her eyes for a minute and then took Kensi's offered hand. "Not right now. Thanks."

"You're welcome. Hey, you might want to go upstairs if you're ready. Eric was worried about you."

"Hey." Eric swiveled his chair around. "You okay?"

"Just…too little sleep and too much stress, I guess."

Nell flopped back into her chair and tried to work. The silence was overwhelming.

"Eric?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry I blew up in your face."

Eric smiled softly. "Apology accepted."

Nell studied her computer again, managing to get some work done before her brain went off on another tangent.

_"You should tell him."_

_"I have never, ever had this conversation with a guy without it ending up extremely awkwardly."_

_"Maybe Eric's different."_

_"Are you done playing good cop/bad cop with me now?"_

_"He works with you. He is around you constantly. He needs to know."_

"Eric?"

"Uh-huh?"

"Can we talk? Privately?"

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	3. Chapter 3

Update: The scenes in the privious chapter with Kensi and Nell were inspired by the end of "Kill House" where, after Nell is rescued, the guys just walk off but Kensi gives Nell a hug and a significant look. I took the idea that they share a special connection as the only women besides Hetty in a team of guys and went with it.

Warning: This chapter is a bit long and drawn out. It's also pretty dark. It all turns out right, but it involves Nell going into a fairly painful section of her past.

Eric typed on his computer for a minute; all the screens in Ops went blank and his computer screen filled with live security camera feeds from outside the room. He silently walked around the table and locked the door.

"Private enough?" Eric inquired as he sat back down.

Nell nodded. "This stays inside this room."

"Sure thing."

"I'm serious, Eric. This isn't even in my personel file."

"Understood."

Nell took a deep breath. "You remember when I first came?"

"Yeah, what part?"

"When we had a conversation about me-"

"finishing my sentences, right?"

"Do you remember what I told you?"

Eric looked off toward the ceiling, as if trying to call up a memory.

"You said that it came from being a Type A with borderline ADD and control…" Eric's voice trailed off as Nell's statement clicked. "Oh. Is that what happened?"

"Which that?"

"The Type A, the ADD, or the control issues? I dunno, but my bet is it's one of the three."

"More like 'all of the above'." Nell tried to smile through the wave of emotions rushing over her. "Well, mainly the ADD. Sometimes I wonder…" Her voice trailed off.

"…if it isn't so borderline?" Eric completed her thought.

"It's like my brain is constantly playing good cop/bad cop with me, overanalyzing everything I say and do, accusing me constantly, and generally driving me nuts." The words poured out of Nell as she desperately tried to keep her voice from breaking. "People…my family doesn't believe me. They would say I was just being lazy, or trying to make an excuse for myself or just being difficult. I couldn't even get help at college…my grades were so high no one suspected anything 'cause in the quarter of the time that I can work I work five times as fast as a normal person. And I was…too…" Nell swallowed hard. "I was too stupid and prideful to ask for help. I thought I could handle it myself. I almost…"

"Didn't?" supplied Eric.

"You can't tell anyone this. Not Sam or Callen, not Hetty, definitely not Nate."

Eric made a zipping motion across his lips.

"I wondered if…if I let my grades slip if someone would notice and try to help, but I was too afraid of getting into trouble at home. I'd almost run away dozens of times. I didn't want to have another one of those epic fights with my parents." Nell couldn't bring herself to look at Eric. What she was about to say could ruin her reputation, her career, and her standing in his eyes. "One night I had three tests in two days and I hadn't studied, hardly, so I stole my roommates ADHD medication. I knew it was a federal offense, I knew I could go to jail, I knew if I was caught it would end my dream of going into investigation. But I couldn't go into investigation if I didn't graduate, and these were midterms. At that point, I was sleeping little, eating less, and barely pulling B's in my classes."

"Did it work?"

"Oh, it worked beautifully. I had 99s or 100s on the tests. Then my roommate found out. I was terrified she would report me, but she had seen I was struggling and she saw the difference the medication made. She…knew enough of my family to know I would never get a prescription on my dad's insurance. Hers was for twice a day, but she had only been taking it once a day. So whenever she went to the pharmacy to get a refill she put half of it in one of my old pill bottles.

"Everything was great until my grandfather died. For a couple of days…Eric, you've got to understand, after my grandfather died, was the absolute worst time of my life. I felt like I had been living in a fantasy world that just imploded. I failed two tests the next week."

"You failed?" Eric looked shocked.

"Yup, 69 and 63. They were both scaled and when I told my teachers what had happened they both gave me extra credit. But I didn't bounce back afterwards. I didn't want to do anything. I did school mechanically, but all I really wanted to do was sleep. Like, all the time. I was never very social anyways, so no one noticed. I realized at one point that I was depressed. Really depressed." Nell studied her keyboard, blinking back tears. "The medication had pretty much quit working at that point, but I still took it. Some of the side effects are depression, self injury, and suicidal thoughts. I started cutting myself with a razor."

Eric glanced involuntarily at Nell's arms. She gently pulled back the edge of her skirt, revealing a long scar just above her knee. Eric remembered Kensi inquiring how Nell had gotten it; Nell had simply replied, "razor".

"I wondered if I could somehow get a hemi…a hemispherectomy."

Eric looked confused.

"Removal of one hemisphere of the brain. It's usually used to treat extreme epilepsy."

"Okay…that sort of sounds like you."

"Eric…"

"I'm sorry, that was a stupid thing to say."

"I contemplated…giving myself… a traumatic brain injury. Gunshot wound. It wasn't that I wanted to die, I just didn't want to go on living like this." Nell put her face in her hands.

Eric reached over and gently laid his hand on her shoulder. "Whenever you can talk."


	4. Chapter 4

Note: I cahnged the rating to T because of the chapter 3. It ended up being a good bit darker than I had previously thought.

"I got through it. I quit taking the medication. I realized that anything that would 'fix' my brain would also ruin it. ADD is my greatest weakness, but it also is my greatest strength. It is part of what makes me smart. I think so quickly that I can get a lot more done, I can analyze really fast. I have a really good participatory memory too; I can't remember dry facts to save my life, because of the working memory deficits that come with ADD, but I can remember anything I'm involved in like I was there. Conversations and stuff. I remember everything. What people said, tone of voice, where they occurred, how people were standing…"

"Wow. You would make a good field agent."

"I guess, but I'm really better at analyzing. As long as I don't over-analyze."

"Can I ask a question?"

Nell nodded slowly.

"What are…what is…how does it affect you, like, negatively?"

"Well, I notice everything. I hear everything, I see everything, it's really distracting. I think in a curve, not a line. Though that does make me a pretty good analyst, because I never think inside the box. I'll also have, I guess, arguments with myself. Sometimes they're more like fights with myself. I get frustrated really easily…with other people and with myself, especially. Sometimes it's like I can't even think because all I can think about is how mad and frustrated I am. It just makes me want to scream…or swear…or clobber someone if they're what's frustrating me. But the worst is when I get frustrated with…myself. That's what happened this morning."

Eric looked contemplative. "Is it like this all the time?"

"Some days are better than others. Sometimes I barely notice it. Some days I fight it constantly. Days like today…are rare, thankfully. Stress tends to make it worse, and lack of sleep."

Eric grinned wryly. "Had plenty of both of those around here lately. Is that what…caused it?"

"Sorta." Nell studied her sandals. "It's also…you know, hormonal." Nell's cheeks felt warm.

"You're cute when you blush."

Someone outside the door snickered. Eric glanced at his monitor. "G.!" he yelled. "Get your sorry butt in here right now!" Eric unlocked the door and pulled Callen in by the sleeve. "How much did you hear?"

"Nell's something is hormonal and you think she's cute when she blushes."

Nell felt like her face was on fire. "Now you match your hair," Callen stated.

Eric was not amused. "You'd better not be lying, G.."

Callen looked Eric straight in the eye. "I'm not lying."

"Oh, and Hetty needs you to pull something up for her in here."

"Go get Nell a drink of water to redeem yourself, Callen. And if you tell anyone, I mean ANYONE, that we were up here alone with the doors locked, I will personally-"

"I got it, Eric. And you might want to get rid of those." Callen gestured toward the security camera feeds.

"Scat." Eric sat down in his chair just as Nell finished a text and hit send. She wasn't fast enough that he didn't get a glimpse, though. The message was "Can U talk 2nite?" Even more shocking, the recipient was 'Nate G.'


	5. Chapter 5

Nell was trotting away from the stairs on her way out when she met Kensi. "Hey, Nell." Kensi walked up beside her and put an arm around her shoulders. "How are you?"

"Been better, been worse."

Kensi gently pulled the petite redhead toward her and wrapped her arms around Nell's back. As she returned the hug, Kensi gently rocked Nell like a little girl. When they started walking again, Nell let her head rest on Kensi's shoulder, free for a moment from the feeling she had to look like she had it all together.

"You looked like you needed that," Kensi said by way of explanation.

"I did." Nell tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "See you tomorrow."

"'Night, Nell."

Nell headed to drop off a file at the downstairs workstation. _Gotta get home and call Nate, gotta get home and call Nate, gotta get home and call Nate…_

"Miss Jones," Hetty called.

_There goes getting home fast._ "Yes?"

"Can I speak to you please?"

Nell didn't notice Eric had stepped out onto the balcony.

"Miss Jones, are you doing alright?"

_I will _kill _Eric and G._ "Yes, Hetty, I'm doing fine."

"Really? I have reason to believe otherwise."

_When I get my hands on them…_

"You need sleep, Miss Jones. And possibly counsel."

"I was planning on calling Mr. Getz tonight, Hetty, if that suits you."

"Nate Getz?" Nell nodded. "Very good. Good night, Miss Jones, and do try to get some rest."

Nell headed for the door.

"Nell! Wait up!"

"Yes, Eric?" _Really the last person I want to see right now_.

"C'mon, I'll walk out with you," said Eric as he strolled up beside her.

As soon as the door swung shut, Eric walked in front of Nell, turned around, and stopped. "Why did you not want Hetty to know you're on a first-name basis with Nate?"

"The same reason I didn't want you or anyone else to know, and could you puh-lease quit reading my text messages over my shoulder?" Nell fought to keep her voice civil and her feelings under control. "I didn't want people to start asking awkward questions."

"Like how you got on a first-name basis with Nate?"

"Exactly!" Nell sighed. "Please, Eric, not today? I'll—tell you later."

Eric considered for a moment, and then reluctantly put aside his curiosity for Nell's well being. "Sure thing. Go home, Nell. Whenever you're ready to talk, I'll listen."

Nell slammed her door shut, locked the deadbolt, and slung her bag in the general direction of the bedroom. She flopped down on the sofa and twirled a lock of her hair absentmindedly as she dialed Nate's number.

"Nate Getz."

"Hey Nate, it's Nell."

"Hi there, what's up?"

"I talked to Eric today."

Nate's bewildered expression transmitted through the phone. "You called me half-way around the world to say you talked to Eric today?"

"Nate, I told him. Everything. Well, almost everything."

"Oh boy. You'd better start at the beginning."

"Okay, I woke up feeling like crap, if you'll pardon the term."  
"Nell, you know you don't have to pardon anything below B.S."

"That pretty much describes my day."

"Have you eaten yet?  
"I had lunch."

"Nell you need to eat something. Real food."

"Does mac and cheese qualify as real food?"  
Nate sighed. "Sure, why not."

Nell rolled off the couch and shoved some mac into the microwave. "Okay, I got up, my brain tried to kill me, I yelled at Eric, hid as I was losing it, passed out on Kensi's shoulder, apologized to Eric, and told him everything."

"And what's the long version?"

"I got into a fight with my annoying 13-year-old-girl complex."

"Over?"

"Nothing."

"I can hear you blushing, Nell."

"Get out of my head, Nate!"

"If you wanted me out of your head, why did you call?"

The microwave went off. _Saved by the bell_.

"Eat; I'll wait."  
"Nell poked at her food.

"As I was saying, you got into a fight with your annoying 13-year-old-girl complex over…?"

"Nate, this food is making me feel sick."  
"Fine, put it in the fridge and lie down. Just a second…"  
Nell could hear Nate searching for something in his phone. _Great._

Nate picked back up. "That explains it."  
"Nate, you know I don't like it when you do that! It's weird, and awkward and rude."

Nate chose to ignore the jab. "You got in a fight with yourself over?"

"Eric, darn it, Nate, get you foot back on the floor where it belongs!"  
"As opposed to in my mouth?"  
"You want me to scream, Nate?"  
"If it would make you feel better."  
Nell shoved her face into a sofa pillow and screamed.

She lifted her phone back to her ear and inhaled shakily.

"You okay, Nell?" Nate enquired gently. "I wasn't expecting you to actually do that."

Nell took a deep breath. "Yeah."

Update: I hope to get the second half of Nell's conversation with Nate up sometime next week but after that I'll be taking a hiatus. I probably won't have the rest of the story up until mid- to late-May (my life just got booked solid until then).


	6. Chapter 6

Note: This story isn't over; however, I will be taking a hiatus from it (and anything else beyond one-shot) until sometime in May because my life just got booked.

"Okay," Nate replied, "You got into a fight with yourself about Eric. Anything specific?"

"Why do I even care, why I can never anything right around him..." Nell's voice trailed off.

"Nell, I know I've told you this before, but if he's a real friend, he won't care, and if he isn't, you shouldn't."

"I know, Nate."

"Go ahead."

"Eric tried to get my attention, I yelled at him, he kept asking if I was okay-"

"Periods, Nell," Nate reminded gently. "They're important punctuation marks."

"None of the usual stuff helped, I felt like I was fixing to start crying, I told him I'd be back in a minute and ran out of Ops. Callen asked if I was okay and I said I was. Deeks told him I wasn't, I yelled at Deeks, and hid in the bathroom."

"I'm sorry, Nell. Really, I am...you had an awful day."

"Kensi came in and let me cry on her shoulder. I have no idea how long we were in there. When I was better, she said I should probably go see Eric, that he was worried about me.  
I apologized for blowing up in his face and asked if we could talk privately. I didn't mean to tell him everything...I just meant to tell him about my ADD, but one thing lead to another...Nate, what have I done?"

Nate paused for a minute, trying to find words to get what he was trying to say across to Nell. "I'm proud of you, Nell. You swallowed you pride and let Eric see you weakness."

"What is he going to think of me now?" Nell sniffled.

"Breathe, Nell. I would guess, if anything, he would respect-admire-you more, knowing what you've been through."

"You really think so?"

"I do." Nate grinned to himself. "I also think a certain redhead needs a hot shower and some sleep."

"Yes,_ ma'am_."

"That sounds like the Nell Jones I know. Hey, call me if you can't sleep. I'm free for a good two hours or so."

"Nate...? Thanks."

"'Night, Nell."

"Bye Nate."

Nell trudged towards her bedroom. She was seriously considering just going to bed and showering in the morning.

Please review. Thanks for reading!


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